Top Five Reasons Girls Hate Us

An unfortunate experience outside the club this past weekend disturbed me to my core and made me realize that... jealousy is poisonous! I have never understood why girls have to be such venomous haters-- it's digusting! Taisha & I were discussing it, and came to the conclusion that our clique is the LAST group of girls ANYBODY should hate. We're very friendly. Tons of fun. We radiate positive energy from a mile away... who wouldn't love us? Hating azz byrds. These are the Top 5 reasons I feel like girls hate us.

1. We're cute. (If this sounds a lil cocky to you, that might be a self- esteem issue.) There are a gazillion beautiful girls in the world... I don't get why girls hate other girls for being pretty. Personally, I compliment my fellow flyy girls on the daily. These Hatin Azz Byrds (or HABs) would rather whisper amongst themselves about how cute we "think" we are. I'm sorry. I never walk out the house under the false impression that I am cute. It's never a matter of thinking. No matter what I have on, I know I'm fabulous. Hate on that!*

2. We're happy. HABs can't stand to see other girls smiling. It's like we offend them by having unGAWDLY amounts of fun. You ever sittin pretty with your clique, laughing so hard that your eyes begin to water & from your peripheral notice a girl looking at you with the stank face? Maybe if she wiped the scowl off her face, she would be a lil more happy with herself.

3. We're social butterflies. Because we're always happy and smiling and having unGAWDLY amounts of fun, people gravitate to us. We make friends very easily. And I'm not just saying this, people have been telling us all year that we are a "great group of girls" and that we're fun to be around. And there is nothing a HAB hates more than girls who get attention from boys. It's like we personally offend them every time a guy comes to sit with us. I don't apologize, you HAB. It's not my fault that I bring all the boys to the yard. *shrugs*

4. They think we're slores. Since we bring all the boys to the yard, HABs wonder why. Why do all the boys wanna be friends with us? Duh! We must be sleeping with 'em. Why else would they be showing so much love? The funny thing about this is that most HABs are sloring anyway. And men don't respect slores. Maybe if you kept your legs closed and intrigued them with your mind, you would get a lil more respect.

5. They wanna be us!*

I will leave you with this Chris Rock quote: You would think by now women would rule the world, but we don't. You know why? Women hate women.

For Your Entertainment*

"Hey sexy, do you remember me?"
"I was drunk!"
-Taisha giving a Strip whore the guns

"You look... not... straight."

"I think she's lying about having a boyfriend." "I think... she's lying about being a woman."

"F*ck you, Daddy! I'm goin to see Aunti Tai Tai!"

"Softball is not a real sport. It's a variation of a sport. That's like saying "My favorite sport is basketball in a wheelchair.'"

"I don't mix sh*t. I only mix liq with more liq. I'm not tryna have a drink, I'm tryna get f*cked up."

"Hell yea, I got a boyfriend! I just got 'im today!"

"Damn, you can ask before you put your foot in the same shoe my foot is in!"

"Wait. I saw the new Gucci sneakers I need in my life. They white. And green. With red shoestrings."

"I'm about to be blasted son! Blasted son!" "son. are you telling me because you know I wouldn't believe you otherwise?"

"As soon as he opens his mouth, it's just heaven."

"Don't try to be like "Five missed calls, I'm so popular!' No one likes you."

"Call on God! you'll never get a busy signal."

And on Popeye's Pay Day, there were a whole slew of quotes that deserve their own section:

"Niggas loaf a lot." "Not on chicken!"

"C'mon son, sell me a piece of chicken for a buck!"

"I don't want the leg unless you tell me I could have a leg cuz you like legs."

"Son that's tight! You swindled but I feel like I swindled. That's a super swindle! So you know what that means... Popeye's got swindled!"

The Rounds...

"I hate mosquitoes! They be havin diseases & sh*t."

"Last time time I checked it was a drought. They needed rain."

"So you guys know about about Lindsay Lohan's recent breakup with Samantha Ronson?" "Yes, she feels alone and confused."

"Who said that?" "Some old lady. She was big." "She sounded big."

"I think you swollened my pinky."

"Her jokes be dry. Needa throw them jokes in the water. Cough cough."

"I'm full of material. I'm like Home Depot."

"There's a recession.. in yo pocket."

Pro Tomes on the French Guy that climbs atop buildings for attention.

"He went on the World Trade Center years ago... when we had that."

"When I was high and I looked at him... I imagined a camel."

"Awww! Let's throw our fans up in the sky and wave them proudly!"

"When I was a baby, I ate real food. Nigga I was a person!"

"I would never pay for a go- go." "Me neither. I would never pay to get shot."

"His face annoys me." *

My Life!

Why.... must I cry? Again? How do I get myself in these retarded situations? Last night, the clique & I went on an adventure to nowhere. I mean, we were in Briarwood at like 1:00 a.m. being weirdos as usual. We had to sign our guests out by 12 because they were non- SJU students and this is how we almost died... thanks, Public Safety. We were chased by a gun- wielding Mexican named Maniac & his pit bulls. smh SMH! On a brighter note, we had funfunfun. Pure, unadulterated fun. I rather enjoyed myself, but the enjoyment was cut short. Oh well. There will always be next time...*

Kory Says...

On the Somalian pirates machete-ing all foreign ships in their waters:

"Them niggas are G's! Their leader? That nigga is gooned out. How the f*ck you pirate a ship... with a f*ckin rocket launcher??? A rocket launcher, where do you find those... (fades out) Wait til hood niggas get rocket launchers.. that'll be some sh*t. Nigga you don't have beef until you have a rocket launcher. Blowin up whole project buildings, niggas like "I wasn't even involved in this beef! I was chillin in my room!"'

On his childhood:

"Where I grew up is like, the best place to grow up. Niggas was like... hood as sh*t, but... we had no reason to be cuz we had like... big ass houses & sh*t."

And just for your entertainment:

"Yes it do yes it do yes it do, dawg!"

Kory, you are awesome*

You're Welcome.

"Didn't nobody get no raise. We in a recession!"

"Is it that hard to direct a Dipset video, though? You just go "Hey you niggas over there! Put the music on! Let's go!"'

"You got mad spaces between your paragraphs."
"Word. This joint spacious."

"Take some drink."

"Don't you know somebody that went to jail and became a lesbian?-- I mean a Muslim?"

Random Asian kids' conversation. I earhustled on my way to Carnesseca.
"They wanna dress like they're not fat but... it's really nasty."

"Whoa! I just got clooootheslined!"

"What do you wanna do when you grow up?"
"I'm tryna advise these niggas in Congress."

"I don't wanna go to Hell and kiss men all day."

"Is that a bag of people??"

"I love you but i hate you at the very same time!"

"Naw, he shot me. I got hurt. But I'm healthy now."

"Vampires, gays... they all suck."

"Ahhhh! Is it de end of de wurld??"
"No. It's just an airplane."

"Whoever invented the jumprope is the biggest swindler in the world!"*

QUESTiON OF THE DAY: When Are You Gonna Grow Up?!

In my eighteen years of life and CosmoGirl subscriptions, I have learned a thing or two about how to interact with the opposite sex. Things like "look into his eyes," "smile excessively," and "lean in and keep your voice level with his.. or lower" (LOL Tiff), and most importantly, never ever ever talk about your period. What?? I'm sorry, this may have been a rule in middle school, as the boys were still playing with Yu Gi Yo cards (I refuse to spell check that, so if I'm wrong, I'm wrong!) But I'm a college girl now, baby. I'm gonna need you not to whine "Ewwww" when I say, in my offhanded way, "I think my period's coming." All together, now. "Ewwwwww!" or "I'm eating!" Boy, I didn't say I had chlamydia! I didn't say that my genital warts were flaring up! There was nothing unnatural about my statement. Why do you feel queasy?? You don't have to deal with the killer cramps that keep you in bed two days in a row! Why are you losing your appetite? You are not the one who has to change tampon after tampon while simultaneously trying not to toss your cookies all over the bathroom floor! And if you plan to spend the rest of your days as a heterosexual male, I'm gonna need you to get acquainted to the fact that most people with a vagina have menstrual cycles... and if they didn't, then you would have something to worry about! I'm just tryna school you to the game. Cuz several years from now, when I am writhing in pain in the bed and my husband asks me what's wrong and I tell him "I think my period is coming," I may have to knock the DOG sh*t outta that man if he says "Ewwwww!" I dare you, I double dare you to even flinch, bruh. You will be a dundatta*

Kory Says...

I haven't posted a "Kory Says..." in a while, but that doesn't mean Kory hasn't been saying. I found this little lunchtime quote amusing.

"Wit a knife, you gotta be all gay & sh*t!"

You see, Kory doesn't believe in eating with a fork and knife. Apparently, this makes you a queer. I think I died listening to him explain why real men don't have table manners. You readers would get a kick out of it too, only I don't have a soundbyte. I really should start taping this man Kory tho.. he's the truth. *

You Know The Drill...

"My life hurts!"

"I was already hyped up because "What You Know About That" is ya girl's anthem. They should play that sh*t when I stroll down the street."

"No homo, I'm talking about meat, like... beef & sh*t."

"I don't wanna be like a... pen monger. Hoarding all the pens. Like "Ohhh, look at all my pens!"'

Fairy Godmother on giving your kids a bedtime:

"I don't give a sh*t if you are in there counting sheep or rehearsing "Rapper's Delight," I don't wanna see you until the morning."

"Mike, what the f*ck.... you superhuman!"

"It was like the Black family reunion onstage... I thought my mama was gonna be the next nigga spittin a verse!"

"Guys, what is our life about if we can't get on College Hill??"

I had to quote myself on that one. It was a serious question*

Who Wrote This Script?

I wanna place the blame on my Fairy Godmother for alerting me to this foolishness... you ain't right. I gave up on CW's "The Game" a looong time ago. Once I realized how long it was taking Derwin & Melanie to get back together, I quit. Yes, this show fills my sitcom quota for Black people and a laughtrack, but I like my Black people to be in love and happy... I don't need to watch the CW to see dysfunctional Black love. However, I am not averse to "The Game" reruns on a Saturday night because I LOVe Tasha Mack. She was the glimmer of hope in "The Game." Even if Derwin & Melanie couldn't get it together, Tasha Mack was always there with a slick comment and a snaking neck. But then she let her raw emotion take her over....
Umm...I can't front. I die when Irv jumps in.... "This is my jam!"





Who is responsible for this sh*t?!? I need an email address NOWwwww! *