yall kill me.

"his mother's shoulders.... are soooo tall. she can hear her shoulders."

(rapping) "fat nigga dawg, aint eat nothin healthy. fat nigga dawg eat possicles an sum jellay bean."

"...i even tried on large romper and it didnt fit. i looked like a large idiot!"

"he's a feen. i know it. i always see him doin some feen sh.t. last time i seen him he had no shirt on... spongeb0b pajama pants... & he was ridin a bicycle."

can you draw a tramp stamp on me that says "Get like me, bitches" ?

Bronze Glamazon Of The YEAR.*

sonj. she's a Bronze goddess, bossy businesswoman, & the best mommy inthewholeworld. i wanna be just like her when i grow up. i only wanna to raise my kids half as well as she raised me & jaseface. she's the bombdotcom.

&nowshe'sgone.

R.i.P. sonj

iloveyou.*

thefunnies.

V- sharrice, where's my lighter?!

S- i dunno.

V- look for it!

S- i did i aint find it so i stopped lookin!

V- that's real. that's the realest sh.t i heard all day.

"something's fishy. smells like Legal Seafoods."

"have you been to Macy's lately?? INC got some sequins for dat AZZ!!!"

"i don't like headphones. that's why i don't have an iPod. "

"that bothers me. y'know what i mean?? like, my hair's not always done, but it always looks presentable to go out. wait, what am i talking about??? my hair's ALWAYS done! "

Are You TRYiNG to Kill Me??*

"They're both gay but I don't think that they're gay together. You know how I'm heterosexual. And you're heterosexual. But we're not heterosexual together. Cuz that would be gay."

C- Do you wanna drop ya numba off with me?

D- No. It's mine.

"Didn't I ask for ice?? I never had dry juice before."

"I can't win/I do sin cuz you know I am a hu-man!"

"He bout your height. No offense. But you know that's short for a nigga. You a giant for a woman."

K-You're an asshole.

P- I know. But you only live once.

"My mom can't cook but she can order the SH.T out a menu."

"... Is he even rhyming.. or is he just expressing his feelings on the beat?"

"UGH, they jus so sappy! 'Oh! This bish is my sunshine, this nigga's my moooon! I dun need NO stars when he around!"'

"If he had a tooth, I would talk to him."

"..and I was like 'Who want it right here?!" And I took my shirt off... I be likin to get naked when I fight."

"Don't call me a creep, we're friends, it's not creepy when we're friends."

"My name is Taisha/ I'm not a geisha, I'm not from Asia!"

B- I can't WAiT to get home! I'm a tell Mommy to have awhole pan of chicken waitin for me!
S- I'm a tell my mom to have the Jamaican food on deck, y'kno.

M- Yea, I'ma tell my mom... order somethin.

*

cYrO Says..

"Man I wish I had bread. If I had bread, I'd be a stupid sneakerhead. My sneaker game be stupid icy. BUT-- I don't have bread." *

Sonnayyyy!*

"Muff in the gym... just seems like... a lie."

"Bro the dude at BCBG blew my spot uppp like 'I remember you, you came in here with your boyfriend to buy those shoes!" I wanted to pull him to the side like "Listen. You may see me in here with a barrage of niggas.'"

"He got so high he started crying. He couldn't hold his feelings in."

"All these random days of working out aint gon do sh.t! We gotta be consistent!"

"The only way we're winning is if we play perfect and they play terrible. We need both to happen at the same time."

KB-Everybody on the dance team doesn't like her.

K-Everybody in Haraya doesn't like her.

KB- Everybody in the world doesn't like her.

"She pees like a 7- year old boy-- such vigor!"

"Day 26 is now Day 25"

"I was sitting in his room and he was eating a muffin and he got a little bit of muffin in my hair and he said, "Wait a minute. You got a lil muffin in your hair.'"

M-Maybe if I think real hard, he'll text me!

S-Wait. Did she just try to use telekinesis to get somebody to text her??

"Somebody keeps asking me Tanya questions on formspring. I'm starting to think it's Tanya."

S-Them beans gon set your asshole on fire.

D-Nuh- uh! Food doesn't make me poop.

A-Would you tell your girlfriend if somebody sucked your dick while you were unconscious?

M- Somebody wants to suck your dick while you're unconscious??

K-Noooo, that's how rumors get started.

I- He WANTS you to start that rumor.

MJ-Why would I want people to think somebody sucked my dick while I was unconscious?!

I- ... You see how loud he said that?

"That's my friggin motto.. stack chips or die! If you don't stack chips-- DiE!"

"Kae, you could never be wack in my book. Now if you came in a Makaveli jean suit... maybe."

"That's your calling in life. Cuz I just called it."

Hey, Monie!

Oh! This weekend, I could've used a good movie. I had food & a cornucopia of orangeade Snapples... a rare occurence. And suddenly, the lightbulb went on over my head-- "Buy a "Hey Monie" DVD!" I would've taken any of the seasons. I LOVED "Hey Monie." It was sooo cute & hilarious. I remember LOL-ing uncontrollably during the self- defense episode. It was a cross between "Sex in The City," "Living Single," and "Daria." GENiUS! So I moseyed my way on down to amazon.com only to find that there WAS no "Hey Monie" DVD :-(... I did vote for it to be distributed on DVD before I resorted to a YouTube search.



P.S.- while they're at it, they need to bring back "My Brother & Me"*

The Gateway Drug

Whew! Well hello lovers! After laying up in my dorm for a virtual week cupcaking my Sims 3, it feels goooood to be reunited with my BAOww.* I feel like Sims is my selfish, abusive boyfriend that keeps me locked up in the house and away from the people I love. And my lovestuck ass doesnt even realize it until 6 hours later when my body rashes me for not feeding it all day! Oh, I'm sorry. I be so immersed in the game that when my Sim eats, I feel like I'm eating. I don't realize that I haven't talked to any real people all day because my Sim is super popular. Her friends are my friends. And I don't notice that although I have watched the sun rise and set, I have not ventured outside of my room because Sims 3 allows your Sim to own cars-- yea, I copped my Sim that fast red thang-- and she whipsssssss! Wait... now I'm embarassed. This is SO not okay. The Sims 3 is officially the NEW&iMPROVED gateway drug. All my friends tell me I should cut down on my Sims time. Deep down inside, I know they're right. I know I've become the equivalent to that creepy Asian kid who goes to Boston Bowl directly after school everyday to play Dance Dance Revolution. I don't even care that all the cool kids are pointing and laughing. Oh yea, I get open. I got that sh.t on my laptop now. I OPENLY play Sims WHEREVER I am.. cafeteria, library, class. They tryna make me go to rehab, I won't go, go, go.

Swiper No Swiping!

Now that I have a TV in my dorm, I like to do wild sh.t like leave it on allll night and wake up to it in the morning... now that's wild. Mostly it's because I can't sleep in silence. The house that I've lived in for 17 years of my life sits right in front of the Commuter Rail tracks. So when I'm at school, I let my fan blow on high, my gospel music blare out of my iPod dock, my heat burnnn at 78 degrees, and my TV on Nick@Nite. Usually I drift off into Dreamland with The Nanny and wake up to Dora the Explorer.

Now Dora blows me. Her voice is just so aggy! Most of the time she wakes me up before my alarm does. So I lay in bed, watching drowsily until it's time for me to get up. She sings songs about her backpack and her map. She repeats things a billion times. She takes long, unblinking pauses, waiting for me to answer her. But there is one thing about Dora the Explorer that fascinates me. Whenever adversity creeps into Dora's baby blue skies, she only has to say 3 words and the trouble retreats as suddenly as it arrived. "Swiper No Swiping!"

So I got to thinking. What if it was that simple in real life? What if I could tell my problems "Fall backkkk!" and they disappear? Cuz Swiper alllways leaves. As a matter of fact, he never gets past Dora and the lil monkey. They always peep and send him packing. But that's so unfair! In real life, things come out of nowhere and surprise you before you can address them and tell them to back back.

Now when I watch Dora, I feel like I'm going so hard because I'm both fascinated and disgusted by the ease with which Swiper comes and goes. I wanna write a letter to the producers and rash them for giving children everywhere false expectations of the real world. Swiper will invite himself in, kiddies, and more often than not, you won't see him coming! He just barges in, makes himself comfortable, and leaves when he FEELS like it. All you can do is pray he doesn't kill you. We can't all be Dora the Explorer. We only human, bro*