The Gateway Drug

Whew! Well hello lovers! After laying up in my dorm for a virtual week cupcaking my Sims 3, it feels goooood to be reunited with my BAOww.* I feel like Sims is my selfish, abusive boyfriend that keeps me locked up in the house and away from the people I love. And my lovestuck ass doesnt even realize it until 6 hours later when my body rashes me for not feeding it all day! Oh, I'm sorry. I be so immersed in the game that when my Sim eats, I feel like I'm eating. I don't realize that I haven't talked to any real people all day because my Sim is super popular. Her friends are my friends. And I don't notice that although I have watched the sun rise and set, I have not ventured outside of my room because Sims 3 allows your Sim to own cars-- yea, I copped my Sim that fast red thang-- and she whipsssssss! Wait... now I'm embarassed. This is SO not okay. The Sims 3 is officially the NEW&iMPROVED gateway drug. All my friends tell me I should cut down on my Sims time. Deep down inside, I know they're right. I know I've become the equivalent to that creepy Asian kid who goes to Boston Bowl directly after school everyday to play Dance Dance Revolution. I don't even care that all the cool kids are pointing and laughing. Oh yea, I get open. I got that sh.t on my laptop now. I OPENLY play Sims WHEREVER I am.. cafeteria, library, class. They tryna make me go to rehab, I won't go, go, go.

Swiper No Swiping!

Now that I have a TV in my dorm, I like to do wild sh.t like leave it on allll night and wake up to it in the morning... now that's wild. Mostly it's because I can't sleep in silence. The house that I've lived in for 17 years of my life sits right in front of the Commuter Rail tracks. So when I'm at school, I let my fan blow on high, my gospel music blare out of my iPod dock, my heat burnnn at 78 degrees, and my TV on Nick@Nite. Usually I drift off into Dreamland with The Nanny and wake up to Dora the Explorer.

Now Dora blows me. Her voice is just so aggy! Most of the time she wakes me up before my alarm does. So I lay in bed, watching drowsily until it's time for me to get up. She sings songs about her backpack and her map. She repeats things a billion times. She takes long, unblinking pauses, waiting for me to answer her. But there is one thing about Dora the Explorer that fascinates me. Whenever adversity creeps into Dora's baby blue skies, she only has to say 3 words and the trouble retreats as suddenly as it arrived. "Swiper No Swiping!"

So I got to thinking. What if it was that simple in real life? What if I could tell my problems "Fall backkkk!" and they disappear? Cuz Swiper alllways leaves. As a matter of fact, he never gets past Dora and the lil monkey. They always peep and send him packing. But that's so unfair! In real life, things come out of nowhere and surprise you before you can address them and tell them to back back.

Now when I watch Dora, I feel like I'm going so hard because I'm both fascinated and disgusted by the ease with which Swiper comes and goes. I wanna write a letter to the producers and rash them for giving children everywhere false expectations of the real world. Swiper will invite himself in, kiddies, and more often than not, you won't see him coming! He just barges in, makes himself comfortable, and leaves when he FEELS like it. All you can do is pray he doesn't kill you. We can't all be Dora the Explorer. We only human, bro*

LOL :-)

"Aria is so accident- prone it is annoying! Like on some "That's So Raven" shit!"

"My vagina has to pee!"

"I jus don't know where I live!"

"You say that in all your raps! Bish you got a Christmas album sayin that shit!"

"Why does he text so stupid?? 'Aight I'ma jus say "hi" as many ways as possible & see if she notice... "What's good? Wassup? What's poppin? What's good for today?"'

"Hey! Put all that smoking out!"

"Liane why you look like you got the Juice?"

"I haven't had a cupcake in years." " I haven't had a cupcake in hours."

"Yea I got kids! I'm a proud uncle& brother!"

"That's the ugliest thing I ever heard in my ear!"

"I wish I had a horse so I could ride it & jump over you."

L- "Oh yea, y'all crushin."

D- "Whose popcorn is it?"

L- "Mine, yall might wanna lemme f.ck wit that for a minute."

"If you microwave it too good it's cookin to me!"

K- "It keeps going to sleep.

D- "I know cuz the charger ain't plugged in no more. So a bish gotta be vigilant!"

"Sorry, I only talk to top atheletes-- not the top worst!"

"Tell him I said what's good. And then tell the other one I said "What's good-er!"'

"He has a lil accent but like-- when we text & when we talk he just like... be sayin mad Black things that I never expected."

*

cYrO Says...

"I think I'ma get Parkinsons when I get older. Like if I was tryna paint my fingernails-- like no homo, I wouldn't do it but if I was... my hands would be shaking."
*

This. Is The Way I Live*

"Y'all jus make all TYPES of things in here! Y'all make beats & y'all make treats!"

"The bar wasn't even delicious! It was nutritious!"

"We ain't tippin. We go to free sh!t to get free sh!t & then we dip!"

"I'm about to crush the PHiLADELPHiA out this cheesecake!"

"You dyslexic when it comes to pictures, nigga?"

"You want me to turn this light off& get over there with you, dont you??"

"I'm bouta tell Ling to come to visit me so I can touch his phone."

"I feel like my body has turned its back on me."

"He look like he got my name all OVA his left hand."

M- "You such a whore."

D- "I try not to be."

M- "You not tryin hard enough."

"I don't know because my brother distorts my perception of how old kids are because my brother don't talk good at ALL!"

"If I was Asian, I would like this song."

"Public Safety gon knock on the door like "It smells like weed in here!'-- you are a good Public Safety officer. You damn right it smells like weed in here!"

*

cYrO Says...

"When I get high, things are like HD son. Like they be on some other shit. Like I be realizing like... I give a fuck, but like-- I don't give a fuck. When I get drunk, I be like"Ayyyy, where the b!tches at?? Show me yo tittays!"*

Cyro Says...

Since Kory Campbell has long forsaken me and my father is a comfortable distance away, I was forced to find a new " ______ " for my "______ Says" section. And the winner is....

Ant the Man! aka cYrO HaZe (you gotta write it like that.) His quotes be wild sometimes.

"I'm bouta write a book called fuckshit and jus write shit that's fuckshit."

... and when King Tut tried to save him from a potentially disastrous line-up,

"Naw, chill dawg. This is for the free-ski."

*

MY LiFE*

"Nigga, I am sauced like... DUCK sauce!"

"I don't play, the only thing I play with is my words for the wordplay."

"See, this is the sh!t I'm talking about! These are my-- headphones. But this is not my-- listening device!"

"I just wana get high and die."

"Yea, Grandmaw. I get nasty."

"You started on your own nigga, aint nobody put the blunt to yo face!"

"Then go to a waffle house. They love waffles."

"He jus walk down the street. Boppin. Happy at nothing. He make you wanna do something good."

K- "Did I do it like Raven?"

D- "No. You did it prettier. And less huge."

"If I'm not mistaken, we only allow 8 points per game."

"Don't expect me back until I run outta clean draws."

*

You Like iT!*

"That's the tricky thing about herpes."

K- "What does a Pacman have to do with breast cancer?"

M- "Maybe the Pacman stands for something... like an acronym."

K- "...like what?"

M- "Please.... Answer....... Cancer."

T-"I wish I went to an all-girls school, son."

P- "Then you'd be a girl."

K-"Where is the shuttle??"

T-"It's a sh!ttle. That's what it is."

K-"Is he trying to get his muscleman on too?"

P-"Nah. He's just tryna get the fat away first. Gotta take it one step at a time."

"I choose no. If you were a Pokeman, you would be last."

A-"How do you wear a kufi?"

A-"Put it on yo head, nigga!"

"And your mirror makes love to me. It makes love to meeeeeeee!"

"This-- is how Henley is going to burn the fack down. Because of drunkards like us."

"Remember when Hitman got kicked out of school for stealing an overhead projector?"

"I'm not tryna be that nigga sellin the Champ hoodies."

"Oh, the strip is not poppin. I see white people!"

ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHA!*